21 June 2008

Losing a friend

I first met him when he got admitted last November. A 35 year old man hailed from Terengganu. In many respect, he was one tough man inside. Never had I came across a person with a long list of medical problems. He had asthma, diabetes, burnt out-acromegaly, AIHA with evans syndrome, cardiomyopathy, hypothyroidism and left leg filariasis (untut). He was even allergic to penicillin which once nearly killed him.

He was single and being morbidly obese with those list of illness. Perhaps it was hard for him to meet up a girl for a meaningful relationship, although he was a gentle, good man with a chirpy character.

That November he was admitted for severe left leg cellulitis which compounded the filariasis. We became good friends after a while, he addressed me just by my name - no more doctor which didn't bother me at all. It took him 1.5 month to get well enough to be discharged back to Terengganu.

Two weeks ago while I was on call. A nurse told me a new patient just got admitted. She said "He's big doc... very big and there is something about his left leg which doesn't look right". I knew right away my friend had come back.

He looked like he had lost a couple of pound. Flabby arms and shrunken face. He was ill. This time none of his pre-existing diseases could explain his current problem. He had fever, breathlessness, weight loss for the past 1 month. Over the few days we treated him for congestive cardiac failure secondary to pneumonia.

The full blood picture however showed presence of blast cell (immature blood cells produced too early by damaged bone marrows). We immediately knew he had leaukaemia.

It was me who had to do the first bone marrow aspiration and considering his weight of 110kg, the task was not easy. It hurt me to see him in pain during that procedure despite the 100mg of IV pethidine and the 10mg midazolam which didn't sedate him either. We then proceeded with chemotherapy after identifying which type of leaukaemia we're dealing with.

He fought his last days with courage and patience. Never had I see him broke down in fear, one time he asked me why was he being so unlucky. I replied perhaps God was testing him.

I last saw him one morning in the high dependency ward. He looked tired, lost all his hair from the side effects of chemotherapy. His lips were swollen and bruised and he could barely speak which required him to communicate with pen and paper. I held his hand and tried to comfort him. He knew his time would come soon, so I stayed beside him for a while.

The next morning when I went to see him again. His bed was empty. A crisp clean sheet covered the bed. It took a while for me to realise that he had gone forever.

Rest well my friend, you had fought a good battle.

13 June 2008

Sentimental value

1. I recently realise that I can track all those songs that I grew up listening to, at youtube. Such a sentimental moment as there are certain songs that define certain period of ourlife. Like those ads on radio - songs that were popular on the airwave during your first falling in love or first ever break-up. Check out the bad ass hair style of Bad English back in the 80's. Rockk kapak satuu kurang manis!


2. I noticed of a late that I'm doing a lotta self-talk (dlm hati le.. nanti kene cap kuda terbang pulak). Which I haven't done so for many years since I left medschool. Apart from human interaction at the hospital - I've been spending a lot of time alone with my thinking cap on and a glass of frappucino in my hand.

3. On another note, I came across a book penned down by a US surgeon named Atul Gawande practicing at the famous 'Brigham and Women's Hospital @ Boston' - entitled COMPLICATION. Which made me realise what was written there mimic 95% of my own experience when I was a junior doc with fresh pimples on my face.

Especially the 1st chapter on performing 'central line' which means piercing the neck with a 14-gauge metal needle (that's a hugeee one) into the biggest vein that run a course near the top of our lungs, in order to insert a flexible plastic tube which have to be positioned exactly at the outskirt of the heart.

That of course brings about to some potential complication such as puncturing the lung or hitting a big neck arteries called the carotid. Boy if that happen - someone gonna yell "We got a spurterrr!"

Smileeee. U just got cannulated big time!

"Medicine is an incomplete science with an ever changing frontier practiced by fallible beings on another fellow men.
To withold treatment would do unjustice to the suffering and preventable death.

But certain treatment process in itself is filled with certain mishap and unforeseen side effect that could cause another type of harm to the human body. Which if happen... we got sued. So God help us all"

- drfrappucino


06 June 2008

The darkest hour


Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Dont be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
cause Ive seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You dont know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less
Ill stand by youIll stand by you
Wont let nobody hurt you
Ill stand by you

So if youre mad, get mad
Dont hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well Im a lot like you

When youre standing at the crossroads
And dont know which path to choose
Let me come along cause even if youre wrong
Ill stand by you
Ill stand by you

Wont let nobody hurt youIll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And Ill never desert youIll stand by you
And when...

When the night falls on you, baby
Youre feeling all alone
You wont be on your own
Ill stand by you
Ill stand by you